Pedophile OCD: Living with a Terrifying Fear

It's time to change my daughter's diaper. I wish someone else was here to do it. I feel anxious. As I do it, I try not to look at her privates for too long. Am I looking too long? Do other people look this long? Pedophiles definitely look, but they like to look. Do I like to look? I have to look to clean her. Am I cleaning too much? Just so that I can look and touch? Is this sexual to me? Am I aroused? I quickly finish changing her diaper and reassure myself that I am not a pedophile.

I am sitting with my family at holiday dinner. My nephew is playing in front of me. I start having intrusive images of naked children in my head. I'm not aroused, I don't like it. Or do I? Am I thinking about my nephew that way? Do I want to hurt him? If I am alone with him will I hurt him?

I spend all night researching pedophilia, the law, treatment for pedophilia, non-offending pedophiles, and more. I watch documentaries about sexual predators. I read about prison and jail time associated with sexual offense charges. I check the sex offender registry for my name.

I feel afraid that I have sexually abused children in the past. I don't remember doing so, but I also not remember explicitly *not* doing so either. What if I blacked out? What if i repressed it because it's so heinous? What if I do it again? I think about many experiences with children and wonder if I hurt any of them. Should I tell someone? How do I know? Should I turn myself in? I need to stay away from kids. It's not safe for me to be around around them.

My friends post pictures of their babies on social media. I think they are cute, but I also panic every time I see them. If I look at a kid too long, I might be a pedophile. If I stay away from kids, I might be able to stave this off. Scroll, scroll, scroll. Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it.

I am getting intimate with my partner. What if I start thinking about children? What if I start thinking about them sexually? What if I see naked pictures in my head? I should avoid sex, sexual content, etc.

Living with Pedophile OCD can be an excruciating experience. OCD goes as the things we love and care about the most. Often people with POCD work closely with children or have kids of their own. This makes the experience all the more terrifying.

The content of your intrusive thoughts do not say anything about your character, values, morals, or who you are as a person.

What is Pedophile OCD?

Pedophile OCD is a subset of OCD where the sufferer has unwanted harmful or sexual thoughts about children.

The intrusive thoughts can focus on the person:

• being a pedophile

• hurting a child

• wanting to molest a child

• being sexually aroused by children/the thought of children

• thinking about children during sex

• fear that you have sexually abused a child in the past

Compulsions attempt to mitigate the anxiety that comes from having these thoughts.

Such as:

• avoiding children when possible

• mentally reassuring yourself that you are not a pedophile/not aroused/etc

• doing research on the internet

• checking genitals for arousal (mentally or physically)

• reassuring oneself or asking for reassurance

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POCD is not pedophilia! It does not mean you are a pedophile. It does not mean you want to hurt a child. It does not mean you will hurt a child.

POCD just means you have intrusive thoughts & you care about children.

Treatment Options

Pedophile OCD, like all types of OCD, can be treated by a therapist using a specific type of CBT called Exposure-Response Prevention (ERP)!

Hope is real and help is out there.

Find help here.

To those experiencing these thoughts:

You are not alone. ⟡

You are not a monster. ⟡

You are not a non-offending pedophile. ⟡

You are not going to hurt a child. ⟡

You are a great mother/teacher/nanny/nurse/father/etc. ⟡

There are people out there (like me!) who are raising awareness about this. ⟡

You're amazing. You got this. You are okay. ⟡

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Note: If you feel like you are struggling with these things to a degree that is affecting your life, it may be time to see a mental health professional, if you are not already!If you are in crisis, call 911, the Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255), or text Crisis Text Line (text ‘Help’ to 741-741).

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Disclaimer: This blog is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute as therapy.